I’m Helen and I work as a film producer and writer.

I was seven and a half months pregnant at the start of lockdown. Maybe my head was in the sand a little bit. I think that’s maybe the way you cope. And I sort of just watched the news on loop. And you know, at that point, also, nobody knew whether pregnant women were especially vulnerable, or whether babies were vulnerable. It was very strange. It was like doubly going into the unknown. Because it’s always the unknown, giving birth, but with the world in kind of chaos around you, it was extra, extra frightening. 

We were very cautious from just before proper lockdown. I think we were… we were not really going anywhere. And then yeah, then we basically decided against even going to the shops, and tried to get people to bring us food. Our neighbours brought us food, which is very kind of them. And we’d actually not spoken to them properly before. And they were very sweet. And they left us a little chocolate bunny. And a card being like, ‘Hello, this is who we are, if you need anything we’ll help’. And we’ve actually become very good friends with them. I did feel a little bit like – especially when it was the one hour daily walks – I felt a bit like a sort of Victorian lady who was sat at home only going for your daily constitutional and doing some crafts and cross stitch. But it was – it was quite relaxing. 

I was 38 weeks pregnant on the dot, I think. And my waters went one evening. And at that point we alerted my mother in law, because they’d been staying basically inside for three weeks or something ready to be the person who could come and look after our toddler. We called up and they said ‘You need to come into hospital.’ So we went in. And I was told that my husband could come through to the ward with me. Once we got there, a different midwife came and said, ‘Oh, no, you’re not allowed to stay’ to my husband. And I remember my husband said he basically saw them sort of changing the signs on the doors as he was leaving, like it was  nobody knew what was going on. Everybody had different ideas. So he was in this kind of dank waiting room with like bright green chairs and fluorescent lights. And I was in the ward on my own. And at this point, I felt like my contractions kind of slowed down. It was almost like when he was sent away the labour slowed. 

And just things like, you know, normally when you go into hospital, you have people bringing you water or food or, you know, there’s cafes open in the hospital outside. And there was nothing, you know, everything was a ghost town. Nobody was allowed in. The midwives were run off their feet. And so I just remember not even being able to find the water bottle, and not having eaten for 30 hours or whatever. The lowest point that I still keep thinking about was when I was having contractions every few minutes, and I had this migraine and my whole left arm was numb. I had a headache and I was thirsty. And I just felt completely kind of helpless and exhausted. And it felt impossible at that moment. 

And I remember this bit being the hardest because it was like when it was getting really painful and you’re just completely by yourself. And then as soon as I was getting closer to push, that was when my husband was allowed back in. And this time I remember before I’d even actually pushed her out being like ‘I’m never doing this again’. I remember literally saying to my husband like, never – I never want to be in the situation again.

Actually pushing her out took only three minutes. I remember some other midwives from up the hall came in and like applauded because they were like, that was so quick.

Then we were allowed, I think – we had an hour or so in the room to all be together and for my husband to hold her. And then I was sent back to the ward with her by myself. But even that was more exhausting than normal because normally you’d have not only your partner there, but you’d probably have other family members, and they’d be holding the baby and they’d let you go and shower or go to toilet or bring you food – and none of that stuff happened. So you were just looking after the baby by yourself. 

And the process was quite traumatic. I’d heard people sort of use that word in association with them giving birth before and never really understood it or felt it. Because my first time had been quite fine, really. Whereas this time, even while going through it – and then afterwards – I definitely feel like it left a different emotional feeling towards it, for me. To a point where I’d be a bit scared to do again, I think.

It definitely made me think about all those women who, throughout history, have had to do it by themselves. And that was just normal. And it definitely gave me a respect for women that have had to do it in more difficult circumstances. And how actually, I think at the minute, – because even still, I think I saw somebody on Twitter today, even now, she was having to go in by herself. 

And you know, it’s been months now. It’s going to be coming on for almost a year of this being the norm. And I don’t understand why that’s allowed. When people can go to the pub, it just doesn’t make any sense to me. And even the early days, you know, there’s that whole, ‘it takes a takes a village to raise a baby’ thing – and nobody’s had anybody. Everybody has been so detached from the experience. And you know, the first year of my son’s life was full of meeting up with other moms, and grandparents babysitting, and all that stuff. And that’s just not been the experience that anyone’s been able to have now. And it’s not what it should be like, and it’s not what it’s normally like, and it… it’s definitely so much harder when you have to do it completely by yourself. It’s a different kind of tiring.

My little baby, she’s gorgeous.

God, she’s six months already, which is crazy.

It’s just been so lovely to have so much time with both of the children and each other. You know, me and my husband, and we actually were allowed to, I suppose, enjoy her baby days in a very different way. I think even though it’s been a really horrible time for everybody in so many ways, I think we have to take those blessings and positives because otherwise… otherwise, you know, it’s too doom and gloom. 

It doesn’t negate the bad stuff, but it keeps us going.